I had a friend of mine die from an overdose over the weekend.
I don’t want to say he was a good friend because I only got to know him over a couple months. That, and I want the focus to be on him as a person as opposed to turning it into a statement about me.
I’ve watched several people I know well and hardly at all die over the years. They don’t always affect me the same way. In fact, the two that hit me the most I knew less than the others.
I know, for me, this individual dying hit me like a brick.
I met him a while back when I wasn’t in such a good place. In fact, I was very judgmental. My first impression of him was that he was weak as a person. What I mean by that is that he was deficient in authenticity and could be easily influenced by others because he lacked firm ground to stand on.
I could tell by the way he told stories about his life.
We’re all in rehab talking about how badass we all were at being fuck ups and how we’re all in rehab now.
A pissing contest about how you’re the piece of shit at the top of the pile. I know this talk all too well because I frequently tried to put myself at the top of that pile. I just pretended like I didn’t.
The way I see it, there are 2 types of people in rehab.
- The guy that ran the fuckin wheels off and is so beat up that at that moment in time they are open and willing to try something different.
- The guy that always fucks up and everything is a giant joke and everything has been a “big misunderstanding.” Never accepting responsibility.
I have been both, so I relate to both. However, one thing I never had to worry about was others’ abilities to influence the decisions I made. When someone decided to relapse it never directly affected my choice to.
In that regard, I myself was not a victim.
To be quite honest, I wasn’t very fond of anyone back then. I felt like if I relapsed with individual X that I’d probably be beating his ass on day 3 out of frustration and annoyance. Probably a control thing…. I’ll look into that.
What’s the reason I’m telling you all of this?
Although I never could relate to the person that is easily influenced by someone else’s decisions and follows along, I am able to spot and identify it. This was the case for this individual.
What made it even worse is type #2 person influenced him, directly or indirectly.
Type #2 is a guy that has somehow managed to evade death again and again. He is also the guy you relapse with and you end up dying, not him. What it was: an attempt by my friend to be like guy #2.
My friend didn’t know who he was or what he wanted as a person. Guy #2 seemed like a logical choice to follow because he did know.
A lost person will always look for someone to lead them for better or worse.
Anyway, getting back to the whole point of this: if my friend could just understand that he is good enough and embraced himself for the kind-hearted, sweet, and sensitive guy that he was instead of trying to be someone that he wasn’t this might have played out a little differently.
The tragedy is that he died lost, confused, and uncomfortable.
He died before he got to know how amazing he was as a person. How do I know this? Like I said, I’m exceptional at reading people. I saw right through the act. How? Because I put on the same act.
Being someone that I wasn’t meant to be for the purposes of seeking approval.
So, what’s the difference between my friend and myself?
God granted me a little more time to figure this out. Plain and simple. I’m fucking blessed and if you’re alive, you are too. You have a chance. He doesn’t anymore.
At first, I was upset and resentful that guy #2 had another chance and my friend didn’t. I wanted to blame him for preying on someone weaker than himself. I’ve always had a deep disdain for people that take others down with them.
The reality is that guy #2 is just as lost and uncertain of himself as my friend was. He gets another opportunity to try and find himself.
My friend died before he got the opportunity to unleash his true self (sweet, kind hearted, and goofy) on the world and experience the joy of not only people loving him for who he was, but him loving himself for who he really was.
He never got to take the mask off.
See, I believe the addiction, itself, is not the real problem. It’s the unfortunate consequence for some who suffer from identity disorder, low self-esteem, and uncertainty.
Step out into the light.
My friend Patrick says that your life and perception is simply a simulation you have created and only you have the power to change that simulation to create the one you want. Someone may not like you or embrace your true self, but what they think is simply a simulation you have created to either let it affect you negatively or to understand that it doesn’t matter…it’s just a simulation.
Embrace your true self and unleash it on the world, we’re all waiting!