I used to wonder why I even got out of bed in the morning.

I mean, I had the career, the girlfriend, the car, the money, the house, and I still had the sense that it was never enough.  The only time I felt confident was when someone else described me in a positive light or gave me praise.  My life was all about achievement and disappointment.  I kept achieving the next thing, hoping that this would be the answer to problems.

I never looked inward.

There was a huge disconnect on what I saw happiness as and what it actually came from.  I just assumed that I would eventually arrive at a place or time in life where the happiness would wash over me and I would know that all of the hard work, sacrifices, suffering, and heartbreak would pay off.

That day came a lot sooner than I anticipated and I am truly grateful for that.

Nothing seemed to have any real meaning or purpose for being.  It was only when I accepted this concept that I began to find meaning.  I began to see things that I was blind to.  I heard things I was deaf to.  I said things that I was incapable of coming up with on my own and I thought things that couldn’t be logically explained.

 The suppression of my emotions and misuse of logic to understand reality brought me nothing but more questions and insecurity.

I found harmony and balance after I stopped fighting or ignoring the chaos internal conflict that raged inside of me.  I don’t think life is supposed to be understood, only felt.

But maybe someday I’ll understand it someday.