Move with it, not through it…
“If you build it without truth it’s all going to fall apart later, like a house of cards. It’s going to eat at you. You’re going to have this whole thing built up that’s bullshit and it’s gonna kill you.”
My mentor had no idea how true that statement was. It gave me a chill that ran from my spine up to my neck. That was the third sign this week and I knew it.
I knew that the gig was up and I was lying to myself and selling myself short.
I was gripping so tightly onto something that I knew was not my path, trying to force it to work because I had invested in myself. Every day the resistance was eating me up. The more I resisted and forced the outcome and message, the worse it got. How would it look? What would I do next? Am I lost?
Pride and ego were driving my decisions at that point and I knew it.
It stopped becoming about helping people through authenticity and more about looking consistent to an audience of people I thought I owed something to.
What about what I owe to myself?
I was slipping into the old mindset that made me a slave for so many years. What will everyone else think? I stopped controlling my simulation and started to let it control me.
Life was living me, again.
It takes a lot of painful life experience to reach a point where you stop letting feelings and emotions control your behavior and actions. Even when you manage to separate the two it is far too easy to slip back into that pattern and let it take over again.
There’s a critical difference between giving up and accepting the truth: that this isn’t what I was designed for.
I had my first experience with this years ago. I’ve been in sales since I was a kid. I am exceptional at reading people and have an aptitude for understanding their pain points and identifying what motivates them; what drives their decision making. You could literally give me something to sell, tell me four benefits of it, and in 10 minutes I was a producer.
The money never motivated me though, it was always the competition and the desire to outproduce everyone that really drove me. If I did that, the money would follow. This continued for several years until it didn’t.
Something along the way changed.
I felt like I had achieved everything I was able to achieve and all that was left was money, and I wanted all of it so I could buy shit to make me feel better. The name of the game became the shortest distance between me and the money. If shortcuts were necessary for that, I took them. Then there was a point where the money wasn’t making me happy.
Like a lightning strike it came to me. Enter: intravenous heroin use and the struggle for years and years to not only stop, but to find a reason to stop. Every time I would try for a period of time I would find myself in the same spot again, discontent and unhappy and I would repeat the cycle seeking relief.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I’ve heard this so many times that it should be written on my headstone when I die (of natural causes hopefully).
I was trying to ignore an impulse to find life purpose and it ate me up inside so much that the only times I felt at peace for a moment was when I was sedated. I was unwilling to get a little uncomfortable to discover what that purpose was. Maybe you’re not that extreme, but people who lack purpose in life typically have other self-defeating behaviors (even if its negative self-talk) to fill that void they can’t quite identify. Being lost is OK.
But there’s NOTHING more uncomfortable than not knowing or believing that you’re lost. I believe “lost” is a description of lack of purpose.
I’m fortunate in the way lack of purpose ails me. Most people wouldn’t agree but for me and people like me it’s literally a life and death situation. What I thought was such a burden has turned out to be one of the greatest blessings for me.
Most people who are “lost” just go through life depressed, confused, and uncertain.
Sometimes they might even double down on it and cling onto someone stronger than them to make them feel better. No different than the heroin really.
Sometimes you must reset your simulation and reassess what you’re doing to prevent clinging onto something that’s not gratifying your soul or is eating you up inside.
What lights that fire inside of you?
Me? I am positive that writing and recording content that people connect with genuinely makes me ecstatic; and marketing it to find out who my audience is, is even more thrilling. How do I know this? Because even if it didn’t ever monetize I would still do it.
Authenticity and expression of true self are in low supply these days; making those that do and can a rare commodity.
It’s the golden ticket. If you wield truth in one hand and experience in the other, all you need to do next is find out who needs it. It all goes back to what I said before, when I was in sales. When it was about the drive to excel and the exercise of a skill set I loved, the money was just an afterthought.
I was already rich.
The money was just a bonus. The moment it became about the money, it was over.
Don’t try to manufacture a purpose for yourself. Be patient. It’ll probably come to you when you’re in the shower one morning.